For Christmas 2017, we decided to take a road trip, Denver, Colorado to Attica, Indiana. I spent Christmas there with my family. The next day, my husband and son went to Wisconsin to visit family. One of my Christmas gifts was a book. According to my husband, I asked for it. To be honest, I do not recall. But there it was, my book How to Win friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. A few people told me that is a classic book and that I would enjoy it, especially because of my life coaching business.
After my family left to Wisconsin, I tried to read it. I was eager to start, but the conversation in the house in which I stayed kept going. Every time I wanted to start, my two aunts started talking, and I would get distracted right away. I thought, “It must not be the right time for me to read it yet.” Last night I read the introduction and went to bed; later the next day, I tried to get in the first chapter, but again I was quickly distracted.
My husband and son have been gone now for two days. I am a big texting person. I love giving attention to my two favorite men and love getting attention from them. When I don’t get that attention, I don’t feel loved. Being aware of that is just a feeling and understanding that they don’t love in the same way I do. I keep telling myself, “Mary, just let them be.” I texted many times and sent cute pictures to them, and nothing. I decided to take it personally and let my emotions control me. I sent a text criticizing my husband and son on why they were not answering, and I sent many texts just to bother them.
It was time for bed, and I decided it was time to stop being a victim. Just keep in mind that this kind of attitude would have lasted very long if I were not as aware as I usually am. This period of being a victim lasted just a few minutes. But still, I was impressed how I still let this illusion of not feeling love and seeing come to me. But oh well, I am human. So I accepted this emotion and decided to just continue to read my gift.
I finally started to read the first chapter. I was not thrilled; there was a lot of history in there, and I really didn’t care about it. But I continued. Then it became more interesting as it started to literally speak to me. The whole first chapter was about not criticizing because it would cause resentment. It also said not to punish because it really did not make the other change. It also said not to try to change others but to start with yourself instead.
It is obvious for me now why before was not the right time to read it: it had to be now, during my victimization, during my low self-love episode, during not being my TrueSelf. As I finished the first chapter, my heart came to peace, and I let go of whatever was bothering me. So far what I am loving about this book (and I just started it) is that it gives you specific instructions to read: master the principles of the book, read a chapter twice before you go to the next one, ask questions, underline the important parts, etc.
What a great book to come at the right time for me! So, my first focus is to not criticize, condemn or complain. Hopefully, I can read this first chapter again. This time I will find a pen to underline. It is time for me to continue on this journey of self-growth so I can keep my TrueSelf in check, so I can enjoy life, so I can create the reality I deserve.
I am so grateful for this level of awareness. I am so grateful for these moments of not being my TrueSelf, because they take me to the next step, finding myself again.