For the people that are really close to me, they probably know that I am terrified of death. So why write about it? Because we cannot escape from it. It is one of the things that for sure will happen to us whether we like it or not. A few days ago I found out someone that I used to know years ago died. This person was probably around my age with little kids. Every time I get that kind of news, my big fear appears, and it is difficult to deal with it.
For most of my years, I have loved life and am not sure why it is that I have this big fear of death. I can think about everybody’s death, except for mine. When I do, I panic; I feel a pressure on my chest and can’t even imagine not being able to be here. Even when here has been hell for me sometimes, I still want to be here, no matter what.
As a life coach when I help my clients with their fears, I make them practice having a relationship with that fear, to talk to it, to confront it, to love and let it go. I have done that kind of exercise with many of my fears but not with death. Am I ready to have that talk? I’m not sure, and as soon as I think I am ready, that pressure on my chest comes back.
In the last three years, I have lost 24 people between friends of friends, uncles, cousins, acquaintances, etc. They died from all sorts of things: cancer, a sudden heart attack, a weird illness, suicide, you name it. Was it their background that killed them? “Maybe I can escape this,” is a thought I have. If I don’t do what they did, I can make it. But you know the answer: all kind of backgrounds, race, religion, sexuality, all find death eventually.
I used to think if I don’t use drugs, if I eat healthy, if I exercise, if I go to church, if I believe in God, if I am a good person, etc., etc., I might make it longer. Adulthood showed me different. Many of the people that died did exactly what they were supposed to in order to live a longer life. Many of the people that made that decision to kill themselves came from a loving and caring family with religious values. So I asked myself: is there any guarantee that death won’t come soon?
Many people know how I feel about it. They know that I can’t even say sorry for your loss just because there are no words to say, in my opinion. But I always contact them, and my TrueSelf says that exactly: “I don’t have words for you, but I want to let you know that I am thinking about you.”
I have my very religious friends who try to make me feel better when someone I know dies, telling me that those people that died are with God and that they are in a happy place called heaven. It drives me crazy, but I am working on my judgment. When a kid is sick, and everybody prays and the kid makes it, Alleluia!! “God heard our prayers!” The power of prayer! Yay! What about the kid that did not make it? Are you telling me that those prayers were not heard, that this kid was not worth having more years here? I prefer people not saying anything. Why do we always have something to say?
Many of you know that I am trying to grow in my spirituality and use my mind to create the life I want, so with that I took a closer look at death. Even when I have not had the talk with it (death), I have tried my best to work with it. I have surrounded myself around amazing people who do not judge and tell me what helps. A friend told me maybe 2 years ago: “Mary, why don’t you ask the universe for a sign to get you to understand death? You are great at manifesting, so why not?” Good point! So I did.
I asked my spiritual source, “Please give me a sign to work with it, to feel better about death.” After asking for that, I remember I went to check my Facebook and saw this video of a lady named Anita Moorjani. The video said it was like 30 minutes long, and to be honest it was too long for me. I almost skipped it, and then I said to myself: “Mary, you asked for this. Don’t let it go.” So I watched it, and it was what I needed to hear to start my process to heal my relationship with death.
I felt an instant connection with Anita. I loved her down-to-earth personality and a peace she carries with her. I bought her book Dying to Be Me and read it to comfort me. Then I asked the universe, “What else?” A few weeks later, I found out that Anita would be speaking in Denver, so of course I went. Listening to her was music to my ears. Listening to her near-death experience and what might be in “the other realm” as she calls it gave me some hope of what is yet to come, the inevitable death, enemy of mine.
Many authors have been an inspiration for me; Anita is definitely one of them. I follow her in Facebook and hope to buy her new book What If This Is Heaven? I always thought of heaven and hell actually being here, so I am very curious to read this one. I totally recommend to check her website out www.anitamoorjani.com; she really has brought peace into my heart.
My own conclusion to my own fear is that I feel that we are between life and death. It’s not guaranteed that I won’t lose a friend, a family member or even me on this journey called life. For some, life is 100 years old and for some it is just a few days. Many of us, if not all, take life for granted every single day. And you know what: that is okay! I guess we cannot be all day long just paying attention to how lucky we are to be here and not worry about anything else.
In my case, what grounds me in my balance, in my TrueSelf, is my practice of gratitude, my conversations with God, my ritual of manifestations, and my constant work on awareness of my thoughts. But is that enough? Not really, but it is as enough as it is going to be.
What did Anita Moorjani teach me? Choosing from a place of love and not fear. I have been working on myself for many years now, and this was a great discovery for me. How did I not think about this before? If the choices I make are based on fear, and I only eat healthy because I don’t want to get cancer, I might get cancer just because I chose based on fear. So now I have tried my best to focus on the love factor, loving myself. I write this blog because I love myself. I opened my own business because I love myself, and hopefully I can eat healthier soon because I love myself.
Anita Moorjani, thank you for existing and thank you for coming back with this amazing message. Her website and books would be detail at the bottom.